This year’s Thanksgiving was just phenomenal.
For starters, it was the first day since Oct. 30th that I had off, so even that alone was awesome! It’s hard sometimes being so far away from my family back home, and Thanksgiving break is so short (and always so busy with finals immediately after) that I’ve never flown back home for this particular holiday. However, now with my sister here, it’s amazing to have part of my family near me. She and I are very close as sisters and as friends, and we’re now able to do a lot of things that we used to do before we moved away for college: watching movies, decorating for the holidays, shopping, going to parties, going on runs. In fact, I think this is the most time we’ve spent together since we were both in high school and living under the same roof.
So we started off Thanksgiving by running the Turkey Trot 5-miler together. The field was 17,000 and it was very muggy, but so much fun! Then we came back to my place, had a post-race snack while watching the last 30 minutes of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade and the beginning of the Dog Show, and then we split to spend lunch/dinner with our boyfriends and separate friends. Dinner was absolutely delicious and for the first time I can remember I actually fell asleep after eating, with the Saints-Cowboys game broadcasting in the background. Then we met back up to go to the Longhorns-A&M game together and, frozen, stood in line for some Starbuck’s coffee for about an hour while girl-talking. Sadly, the Longhorns lost, but we braved the windy cold to go back to chill with friends, and then part ways again. I stayed up until 3 am with my boyfriend watching some insane movie (The Cube?), and then this morning I allowed myself, for the first time in a month, to sleep in as late as my body would let me (which was about 12:30 p.m.). Total. Bliss. :-)
And in honor of Thanksgiving, I’d like to take a moment and reflect on my blessings over this past year.
I’m grateful for my family, whom I love dearly, and for my very closest friends, who are amazing and whom I consider to be my “second” family.
I’m grateful that my cousin is cancer-free, and that she is healthy and doing well.
I’m grateful that I live in a setting of peace, that despite the crime we see occasionally, we are not caught in a major world war.
I’m grateful for the freedom I have to express my politics, my religion, and my beliefs. I’m grateful I live in a city where I feel like I fit in, and in a climate that is sunny almost every day and makes me smile even when I’m feeling kinda low.
I’m grateful that I’m finally learning the ropes of this graduate program, and that I feel like I’ve finally found my calling. I’m grateful that my passion for this as a career is still blooming, and that I’ve had the opportunity this semester to train with some of the best clinical supervisors I could ask to be placed with.
I’m grateful for finding love in so many places: with a lover, with my friends, and with strangers who share a common mind.
I’m grateful for my own health, and the recently renewed ardor that I have for running. I’m grateful I’ve been able to find healthy ways to channel any stressful energy, and that my sister and I both love running and now have yet another way for us to bond and reconnect.
I’m grateful I was able to see my family so much this year. The traveling sometimes was tiring, but it was always worth spending time with my family, whom I constantly wish lived closer to Austin.
I’m grateful that the semester is almost over….only a few more projects and sessions until I can relax and start baking again, reading for fun again, painting again, doing yoga, and having free time to spend with the people I love.
I’m grateful for these, and all of the other blessings that God has given me.
Happy Thanksgiving! :-)
Being defeated sucks.
First, it has the capacity to undermine the confidence we’ve built up in ourselves. It might pose a struggle, too….we might be in denial, and not ready to throw in the towel. We know we’re fighting a losing battle, we know we’re sinking and there’s little chance of rising back, but we grit our teeth and hold out. We put our last remaining ounces of energy into that often encouraging/sometimes deceitful notion of hope, thinking if maybe we just try a little harder we will win this thing.
But sometimes we don’t. Sometimes you need to just know when it’s over. Occasionally it’s a relief, knowing that finally the exhaustion of the struggle is done, but most of the time it’s just really damn disappointing.
That’s where I am tonight. In one area of my life, tonight I have been defeated. I’ve tried my best, and it wasn’t enough. And now I’m left down, somewhat saddened and slightly broken up about it. And I’m finally admitting what I should have long ago.
I will move past it. Maybe starting tomorrow. But for tonight, it just plain sucks.
I have a habit of daydreaming. I get lost in my thoughts about the future. I start with an idea of what I want for myself, and then start mentally constructing plans on how to make that happen. The problem is sometimes these are things that are far down the road, which means consuming cerebral energy by laying down plans might be futile – who knows what things in my life will change between now and then. Even more importantly, dreams are quite plastic, and my current desires may evolve into something new. For most of this semester, my daydream thoughts have been preoccupied with the future of my career and where I (might) move after Austin. After graduation, I’ve had my mind’s eye set on doing my CFY in Honolulu. I’ve searched for positions, and already found a placement offered for a CFY in adult rehabilitation services. I’ve casually looked into apartment availability, and fantasized about how I would spend my free time, what scenic runs I could take, learning to surf, meeting new people and making new friends.
In less than a month I will be finishing my first semester of clinic, but I still have four more left to go. This past week I’ve been practicing living in the moment.
And wow…how liberating it has been! Where will I be in a year and a half? Who cares! I’m in Austin now! What will I be doing? We’ll find out when I get there, but relax and don’t worry about it until it gets closer. Whom will I be dating, if anyone? Only time will tell. Whom will I be friends with? Let my current friendships evolve as they will, and open myself to cultivate new ones. It’s amazing. I feel so free, so energetic, and so happy.
My heart is lighter. Every day, I now focus on my running, my projects for class, my lesson plans, my sessions, and my clients’ progress, my current friendships and relationships. I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I have faith.
When I first started therapy, I over-planned. I would script out exactly what I wanted to say at each moment of the session. But it wasn’t working….sessions rarely go exactly as outlined in the lesson plan, and I’ve started to learn to provide myself with a basic goal, and then just kind of going with the flow. Sessions are dynamic by nature, and I’ve been learning to respond accordingly. It’s all about the art of flexibility, and knowing that you can find a way to deal with whatever comes your way.
And now I’m generalizing that lesson to other areas. I’m learning that I can let go of over-planning my life, eliminating unnecessary stress by allowing myself to focus only on what’s important right now, and enjoying the ride. I’m learning to relax about things not only when I schedule time for myself to decompress, but all of the time.
And it is so amazing. :-)
This month has been a month of milestones. Yesterday I had my mid-semester review (which is when the clinical supervisors fill out a 15-page form evaluating how you are doing as a clinician thus far). I did well, but was a little bit nervous beforehand….being a good clinician is something I want so badly, and this semester is my first time conducting therapy. The first few weeks of school, I think we all felt like we had a lot to prove: that we could survive working 6-7 days a week with 8-14 hour shifts, that we could balance having lots of clients with three classes and one TA appointment, that we could survive on less food and sleep than we ever thought possible, and perhaps most importantly, that we were capable of planning and executing great therapy sessions.
The first milestone I reached this month was professional. Last Friday I was listening to a recording of one of my sessions and I noticed something that kind of caught me by surprise: I sounded like a therapist. The way I was educating and instructing, the manner by which I provided feedback – I felt awesome about it. I’ve begun to notice other things that to me signify growth. I’m more comfortable walking into a session where I know undergraduates are observing me. I am better able to monitor how the sessions are going, and am improving at making some impromptu adjustments when needed. I am getting a teeny bit faster and more efficient at writing lesson plans and evaluating sessions. Tiny steps that they may be, in short I feel like I’m truly developing into who I want to become. I want to be the best speech pathologist possible, because I want to be able to provide paramount services to people.
The second milestone was with running. When I was in high school, I used to run 3-4 miles 6-7x a day, and at track we would do up to 8-10 miles. Since my junior year of high school, I have not gone more than 4.5 miles. This past Sunday, I finally (officially) broke my 5 mile mark. And it felt great! The stress from the program has been a fabulous motivator at keeping me running –I’m able to run 3 miles not and not even feel winded. I’m still considering doing some sort of half marathon, but we’ll see where it takes me. All I know is that my passion for running has been reignited.
There are things I really miss about having free time. I reeeeeally miss yoga. I have pretty much put yoga on the back burner for now – I barely have enough time to squeeze in my runs, yet alone do yoga. I miss cooking. My grocery list used to be all fresh and whole ingredients, things from HEB and farmer’s markets. I made it a point to cook meals almost every night, and to bake once every week or two. I cannot remember the last time I baked. Now, my grocery list is made up of single serving prepackaged food that I can eat on the go and involves virtually no kitchen clean up. I eat yogurt in class in the mornings (sometimes cereal if I have time, but usually not). I eat Healthy Choice/Lean Cuisine frozen meals for every lunch and dinner, and supplement them with hand fruits (apples and bananas), granola bars, string cheese, yogurts, and cottage cheese mini packages. My recycling bin is full of plastic and cardboard before my dishwasher is full of dishes. I also really miss hanging out with my friends. I try to allow myself one night a week to veg out, but can never get too crazy since I have to work pretty much every day. Because I eat lunch in class/clinic, I don’t have time for many lunch dates. I’m in clinic until past sunset, and then still have work when I get home (and early mornings) so evenings during the week are out. Having to say no to social situations is probably the hardest part about this, especially since my sister only has two days off a week (she works nights), so I rarely see her.
But, considering all of the sacrifices, I am happy. I am happier than I was when I was in neuroscience. I love what I do, and even if I’m doing exhausting quantities of it, I still get passionate about it and fully invest myself in ever session I have. And let me tell you, there is no feeling quite like finding your passion, and realizing you can make it your career. As someone who hated her job for years, it feels so good to have found something so right. :-)
And on that note….I’ll be up before the sun rises tomorrow, so it's time for bed. I leave you with this, my current favorite “decompression” song by Jónsi.
Good night. :-)
Jónsi - Hengilas
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BkX9EC3AvTg&feature=related
Last week I went home for a cousin’s wedding. The ceremony was beautiful, and the reception was exquisitely extravagant, but the most stunning part of the whole night was watching the two of them. They are the epitome of love. Every once in awhile you meet a couple that just exudes love, and that’s how they are. I found it fascinating to watch them, the glances they stole throughout the night, the silent conversations between their eyes, and couldn’t help but be filled with hope. It’s an unconditional, genuine love like theirs that reminds me of all of the good in the world, the kind of love where once you witness it firsthand, you carry it with you. It’s contagious, and you watch them and can’t help but smile and fall a little bit more in love with the beautiful things in life.
The “twenties” ages are an exciting time, and gosh so full of changes. It’s like a crash course sometimes. They can be confusing, exhilarating, carefree, and sometimes a little stressful. But at the end of the day, the worries of what will be can be melted, and beholding an extraordinary love gives me a peaceful easy feeling.
And speaking of changes, there are a lot coming up. Several people I know might be moving, classes are going to start (and apparently the structure of the program is being changed, too), etc.
I’ve been trying to more deeply harness my yogic lessons that I’ve learned on the mat and utilize them in every day life. This came in quite handy on Friday, when I went to a cheap-o dentist to get four cavities filled, and he needed to use EIGHT shots of Novocain to numb me (and also started drilling before I was numb. Twice.)….but I found my breathing techniques really helped. There are times in class when I haven’t eaten enough, or I’m really tired, or just not feeling up to the challenge, and I will be holding a very painful asana (pose) for what feels like an eternity. I start to fight it…thinking up curse words in my head, my eyes bulging and internally screaming for my instructor to please please PLEASE say those words I’m longing to hear: “Release the pose.” But then I stop swimming against the current, and I remember to float. I breathe. I focus on my mantra or whatever my dedication is for that day’s practice….and I know it will pass. And I will survive. Learning to control your reaction to a challenge, whether it be a painful dentist visit, or a muscle-clenching long-held asana, or a fight with a friend, or the World’s Most Boring seminar, can really change the way the rest of your day pans out. “Fight or flight” are not your only two coping options.
I love this song/video. Brazilian cover of "Changes. "
Enjoy. :-)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UvhGvxuOREw
They say work hard, play harder. But I’ve been feeling very out of it lately, and perhaps I am playing a little too hard and too frequently. While it has been incredibly fun, and I haven't don't regret any of the crazy nights staying up until dawn, I think I’m starting to feel the toll it’s taking on my body. My brain feels a little fuzzy, like there might be some fur growing on the inside of my meninges.
It probably doesn’t help that I had friends in town this weekend who, since they had free stay at my place, insisted on buying me some of Austin’s grandest and most indulgent meals: Salt Lick, breakfast tacos, Vino Vino, etc.
My body is begging me to go back to my fresher foods, whole grains, and decaf clear (nonalcoholic) liquids. For now, it's had its fill of queso, chocolate, and grease.
I think it’s time for a weeklong detox.
Summer is off to a good start. Per usual, time is flying, and I cannot believe that June is almost half over. I went on a tubing and camping trip last weekend, and had an amazing time with friends: brats over the fire, pre-dinner hike around Canyon Lake, a balmy midnight swim in the pitch dark, and then settling into the tent under the stars. I love camping. :-)
This week was my first week of summer class, and I’ve also started my summer work for a professor. The class is much better than I thought it would be – it’s stats heavy and I’m not statistics’ biggest fan so I was a bit worried going into it, but the teacher is great and keeps the class interesting. I think it’s good to be getting back to a diurnal schedule, too. All too easily I fall into my night owl fashion of sleep/wake cycles when I don’t have a structured schedule of responsibilities. I’ve also been good about going to the gym after class, and have been managing to do about 3 miles daily, plus yoga a few times a week. I think I want to try and move my running outside, though. Running in the heat has never been my thing – I get dizzy and nauseous very easily in it, but a half-marathoner friend of mine shared a few tips with me: run before the sun comes up/after the sun goes down (something I’m used to doing anyway), run with a few water bottles (fill them halfway and freeze overnight, and then top them off before heading out), and wet and freeze a bandana or two to wrap around your wrists, forehead, or carotids (great way to cool the body down when it’s too humid for your sweat to help with temperature-regulation). I’ve been looking into hydration packs, and considering purchasing one.
I’ve also started taking a daily multivitamin again. I stopped taking them a year or two ago because they bothered my oh-so-sensitive stomach, but after getting sick so many times in the past year, my sister gave me a mini-lecture on the benefits of taking them and I decided to take another stab at it. With enough food it doesn’t hurt my stomach, and I’ve actually really noticed a huge increase in my energy levels – it’s amazing! I’m not a caffeine fan and usually around 2-3 pm I find myself yearning with absolute ardor to crawl into bed for a 45-minute nap. After taking the vitamin daily for a week, I felt my energy level stabilize and don’t crash so easily.
Oh gosh, speaking of food….how much do we love love LOVE summer and all of the fresh produce it brings with it??? Goodness gracious, I’ve been eating myself silly with strawberries, mangoes, zucchini (with Israeli couscous, perhaps my new favorite carb), corn on the cob, avocadoes, tomatoes, fresh basil….oh so GOOD! My Mom sent me an article about how this year will be one of the best peach crops in ages, and I tell you I am salivating over my keyboard just thinking about it. I know I’m kind of a weirdo, perhaps, but I absolutely adore delicious fresh produce. I can’t wait until my one friend comes back from traveling abroad so we can clean out the farmer’s markets!
Many of my speech path friends have been embracing a very challenging summer. Word on the street is that the third term (i.e., the summer between first year and second year) is the most challenging because you become more fully immersed in clinic and diagnostics. I’m so excited to start, but also nervous: I see what they have been going through and it’s rewarding, but no cakewalk. The program really challenges your time management skills, your academic competence, your ability to clinically apply what you’ve learned in the classroom, and perhaps hardest and most important to learn, your ability to take constructive criticism (lots of it) – to learn how to use it to shape you into a better clinician and not take it so personally. It’s exhilarating to realize I will be there soon, too, with my own patients and charts to write and lesson plans, but also a bit nerve-wracking. It’s going to be an adjustment – I just need to have faith in myself that I can do it.
I’ve been thinking about some of the changes that have gone on in my life over the past year, and the changes that are also coming my way (um, mostly starting clinic). Change can be scary, but it’s inevitable and sometimes necessary. Sometimes we choose to create change and sometimes change chooses to create us. I’ve been thinking about the changes I would like to start, parts of my life I would like to take more seriously and just things about myself as a person I would like to….mature. There are personality aspects I would like to ripen, and skills that I wish to further develop. But I also don’t want to get so hung up on trying to change that it distracts me from the natural course of my personal evolution. I’ve been thinking about embarking on self-betterment, and dang it can be overwhelming. I saw a quote the other day that made me stop and think.
“Start where you are.”
Because, after all, isn’t that all you really can do?
Goodnight, friends. Love. <3
My week home was wonderful. It flew by, and it was warm and lush and so very green green green, much like the Pennsylvanian summers I remember. It went fast, and I actually traveled a lot (day trip to Maryland with the family, day trip to New York for the shower, and both Wednesdays were spent traveling). Despite that, I also made sure to get in a lot of downtime with my family: late night chats and Discovery Health Channel with my sis (being in medical professions, we’re both seriously addicted to Mystery Diagnosis, Mystery ER, etc…she was so great at diagnosing, too – definitely has some solid nursing skills), walks after dinner with my Mom and sis, ooo….the Grey’s season finale (although I seriously believe that my cousin and I are the only two people left that still follow the show), and my first real shopping spree with my Mom and sis in probably over three years.
Being back in Austin has been great, and likewise has been going fast. This weekend I managed to get in a lot of playtime with friends, my boyfriend, and his new roommate, and tonight I babysat. Since coming back, I’ve caught up on errands, bills, recycling, cleaning, and rebooted my yoga practice. I’ve started doing dropbacks (I’ve got the dropping back part down, but the coming up part I’m struggling with). I’ve also started doing side crow pose (I can get it on my left side, but not my right side yet – my right side is always slower to follow in almost everything I learn). I still do my headstands next to the wall, but my instructor told me two weeks ago she thinks it’s just a prop. Mentally, I still feel like I need it. Physically, I don’t use it nearly as much as I used. She said I should just try doing it away from the wall and see if I can pop up. The only times I’ve felt brave enough to try it lately I’ve been a bit inebriated (anyone else crave asanas after a beer or two?), but decided against it. Regardless, it’s weeks like this that make yoga worthwhile and so exciting. It’s the achievements, whether little or big, that make it thrilling. One day, you’re trying for the 70th consecutive time to do something you’ve been attempting for what feels like ages and then the next day, you graduate – your body is now capable of doing something that long ago you once thought would’ve been impossible. It's a pretty amazing feeling.
Lastly, and a bit randomly, I’ve been thinking about something a friend had said to me about two years ago. At the time, I was struggling with letting someone go out of my life when he was making it evident he desperately wanted nothing else but out. After seeking his advice, my friend said to me: “Don’t worry. You’ll get better at it with time. You learn to dwell less, and move on. I’ve actually gotten scary-good at kicking people out of my life.” Two years later, I don’t think I’ve completely fulfilled that prediction, but I have noticed it in some ways I’ve learned to rid my life of people who are obviously bad for me. Last September, I made a decision to rid my life of things (thoughts, habits, and even people) that were, for lack of a better word, “toxic” to my happiness. I started seeing people in their true light, and noticed how much crappier I felt after hanging out with them. I noticed how they treated others, what their priorities were, and how they responded to challenges to their conscience.
Over the past year I’ve had to dismiss a few people from my life for various reasons, and true to my friend’s words…it was not as hard as I thought it would be. I don’t think it means I’m any better at letting people go, but perhaps I’ve gotten better at moving on from people and situations that I know are bad for me, things that will only cause unrest in my heart and drama in my life. When my goal is love and peace of mind, why would I want any unnecessary anxiety hanging around? Why would I want to associate with people who are self-centered and petty, or to stand for being mistreated? I do not wish them malevolence, but neither do I wish them the best. I am indifferent. The opposite of adoration/love is apathy. I think this means I’m learning how to recognize what is good for me, and what could potentially cause me harm. I’m learning to surround myself more with likeminded and wonderful people….good and true friends who see me for who I am and would do anything for me and I would do anything for, friends who are loving, caring, and genuine. I don’t know why it took me years to discover that one’s freedom to choose whom to associate with is a liberating reality.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, and don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
If someone is treating you recklessly, let go and move on to a greater good.
Yeah, soooo that sore throat turned out to be strep. Unfortunately, the PA that attended to me at the UHS didn’t believe me when I told her I thought it was strep and didn’t do rapid culture test, and by Wednesday my throat was so sore and swollen I was occasionally choking on my saliva. Luckily, I went back the next day and the Z-pack kicked in pretty quickly….I’m still not quite back to normal, but getting there. Moral of the story: listen to your body. If you know something is not right, be insistent with your health care provider.
Yesterday my boyfriend and I hosted a pool party. It was so much fun, and so long awaited…he and I have both had an intense semester. We swam, we grilled, we played some card games, we ate some amazing desserts, we had some beer, and we stayed up until the wee hours dancing to an iPod mix and talking with friends. It’s nights like those that make me feel alive and so young, and so very lucky.
Today was chill. I’m still not feeling great, so I slept in late and skipped my workout, but I did spend most of the day running around Ikea like a kid, which was awesome. We even got ice-cream cones on the way out. :-)
Ugh, I still feel like such a space cadet, my mind is just completely untethered to any coherent string of thoughts. I am looking forward very much to getting my health back. I miss my running and my intense yoga sessions. I’ve noticed since moving to Austin I get sick much more easily, and I’m wondering what it is. I already eat healthy, but I definitely have poor sleeping habits. I think I’m going to try to be better about getting more sleep this summer, and set up a good routine that I can carry into the very busy fall I have coming up.
Hmm. I guess the only other exciting thing that has been going on has been that I did a TON of cooking the party: triple chocolate mousse cake (YES), homemade brownies with a delectable icing, dip for the chips, and an amazingly scrumptious salad dressing that I’d like to share.
Honey Balsamic Dressing
Ingredients
1/2 cup balsamic vinegar
1 small onion, chopped (I skipped this since there were onions in the salad)
1 tablespoon soy sauce
3 tablespoons honey
1 tablespoon white sugar (I used brown sugar instead)
2 cloves garlic, minced (I added some garlic powder since i didn't have garlic on hand)
1/2 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes
2/3 cup extra-virgin olive oil
Oh, finals week again. I never seem to survive finals without freaking out a substantial amount, although I will say this time around my test anxiety is a little better than it usually is. But still, I can feel the Chihuahua nerves rattling, the insomnia creeping in, and the immense exhaustion trailing me closely, following my scent as I make my way through the next week.
Summer vaca lurks just around the corner….so close yet also elusive, allowing only glimpses of what freedom brings.
I have one test in 25 minutes, followed by a big final from 5-7 pm, and then I get to go home and study for another exam tomorrow at 8 am.
Then I have 2 5-page papers to work on, and one or two finals (yeah, I need to look into that…) next Wednesday and/or Thursday.
My actual break will only be a two or three weeks…I’m taking a first session summer class from June to July and will surely be racking up the babysitting hours, too. I’m still waiting to hear about the internship (unpaid, but hey, I’ll take it!).
Oh man, I’d so rather be kayaking right now. Or reading a novel poolside. Or whipping up one of the twenty new recipes I’ve got on my To Try list. Or going on a nice long leisurely run, exploring new parts of Austin.
My inner escapist is surfacing.
Fight or flight, my friend.
Now is not the time to run. Now is the time to rise to the occasion, to SUIT UP.
To rush off warrior-like into combat against essays, diagrams, and tests of memory and knowledge.
To summon my inner ninja, and tackle the challenge.
And it all starts now, with my Anat/Phys test.
CHARGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Man I feel like my life has been on fast-forward since spring break. Every single day (up until yesterday) I would spend half my day in class and the other half studying and working manically on projects. When I wasn’t preoccupied by school, I was babysitting. I made room for friends, but I felt badly because it was usually after a long day hauling butt and I never had the energy to stay out late or just always acted exhausted.
The good news is that a break lies merely around the corner! Next week is going to be the worst (three big exams in two days) and then finals is the following week. This week is the first week since February that I haven’t had an exam.
Anywho enough school talk! Saturday was Eeyore’s Birthday. Eeyore’s is by far one of my favorite events in Austin – it’s a festival of freaks and hippies, and I feel right at home there. People body paint, dress up in costumes, hula-hoop, drink beer, play some bongo’s, run around a Maypole, enjoy the beautiful weather, and celebrate our beloved Eeyore’s birthday (he also just happened to have been my favorite Pooh character as a child!). I went with a bunch of friends around 5, and the night just drifted along…we walked to Kerbey Lane for dinner around 10, and then went back to my one friend’s place to play bananagrams and meet new people. I love nights like that…carefree, wandering, playful, and spent with people I love. It reminded me a lot of my epic, legendary trip to San Diego with one of my best friends…I need more of that stuff in my life. :-)
Yesterday I ran the recycling downtown, went shopping, cleaned, and rewarded myself by spending the whole afternoon baking and cooking. I made a chickpea potato yellow curry, which I have to say for my first time came out great! I think next time I’ll use a plain yogurt instead of milk (to thicken it up). I feel like it was missing something though…maybe some eggplant or broccoli? It was very starchy….next time I will add a more water-based veggie to it. I also made these absolutely delectable peanut butter oatmeal sandwich cookies that I got from my favorite recipe blog. They were such a hit! The cookies themselves were so chewy and oaty (word?) and the peanut butter frosting was just sweet enough – it was equilibrium of sweet and salty. I gave most of them away to the people who had written me letters of recommendation (I hope they like them as much as I did!).
Ok, I should crash…8 am class always comes sooner than I’d like on Tuesday and Thursday. I think the only last note I have is that I’ve been feeling weird about my body lately, almost like I am a stranger in it. I feel vastly detached from my sense of proprioception and kinesthia…and believe me, I’ve got the “running into walls” bruises to prove it. Yoga is supposed to amplify bodily awareness. I guess maybe it’s a sign I’ve got some stuff on my mind, way deep below.
Goodnight, ya’ll.
Spring break has been amazing. I can hardly believe today is the last day of it! My best friend from home flew down to see me for an amazing four days, and then was St. Patrick’s Day, some relaxing, and some SXSW fun. The four days with my hetero-lifemate went too quickly…we had such a great time and tried to pack in as much as we could (still some things she def needs to come back to do!). It was so good to see her, too. We’ve known each other since we were three, but now with our work and school schedules we’re lucky if we get to see each other more than two or three days out of the year. Four days in her nonstop company was total bliss. :-)
The best SXSW night was when two friends and I biked downtown to a hip-hop gathering. Not only did I get to see the Blue Scholars perform, but I also got to meet them and grab a photo with Geo!!! I was honest-to-Godly shaking from the adrenaline rush after that….I was freaking out with my friends, and just totally pumped up for the rest of the night.
The walk back to our bikes was amazing – 1:15 a.m. and the streets were maddened with music shows, young people, older people, costumed people, hippies, hipsters, weirdos and freaks…you name it. They shut the streets down from traffic because there are so many people. Everything felt so animate and young. I love this city!
Yoga wise, I’m at about the same place I was last entry. I took a break while my friend was visiting, and have been doing the same routine I usually do since then. Have been practicing king pigeon pose against a wall, and have gotten my head to touch the floor. My quads still scream at me, but I can feel the muscles lengthening and retaining muscle memory every time I go back to try it.
Working on mastering it, as well as crow pose (...damn you crow pose!). I have weeny-butt arm-balance capabilities and can hold it for about 4 or 5 seconds before I topple onto my face, but I shall conquer you, crow pose! (below)
Yesterday I met up with one of my best friends for lunch. We shared a delicious meal, and then I had to scoot to class…I had my shrimp curry packed up to go, but realized I couldn’t bike across campus without crashing and/or making a huge wasted mess of truly delicious leftovers, so I asked him if he could pass it along to someone who looked like they needed it, maybe if a homeless person wanted it (I’m not sick, and it was Lenten friendly).
Yesterday, my boyfriend asked me if he could take me today to a local sandwich place we both love – we don’t really get a chance to do lunch often during the week, so this is a very special treat. This morning on my way into class there was a homeless man outside of the restaurant we’re meeting at later, picking up trash in the parking lot and sweeping off the porch. The place doesn’t open until later, and no one else was around, so he wasn’t doing it for money or for show. He appeared to be doing it because there was a broom left outside, and it seemed like something that had to be done.
I don’t know why, but I kind of felt like this might have been a sign from above…a small little sign to say yes, the karma will happen. It’s just a little peculiar that yesterday I gave away food I could’ve thrown out to a homeless person, and today a homeless person was helping tidy the establishment I planned to eat at later for lunch. I know it could be a complete coincidence, and maybe I shouldn’t read much into it…but I still like to think this is a sign. I think someone is trying to tell me that it comes around. If you act for the greater good of humanity you will be blessed, because goodness breeds goodness and eventually it will come back to you as well. As Randy Pausch said, if you live your life properly, the karma will come to you. The dreams will come to you.
Just a thought to share with ya’ll…maybe a happy thought to keep in mind on this awesome Thursday. :-)
I’m going dairy-free for 10-14 days to see how it affects me. I used to have a lactose allergy and grew out of it with puberty, but lately (despite Neti-potting daily) I’ve been having really terrible post-nasal drip issues that make running more than 3 miles nearly impossible. Several online articles I’ve found have suggested eliminating or cutting back on dairy products. I was intrigued and took a quick inventory of my pantry – goodness gracious do I eat a lot of dairy! Aside from the 1% I put on my cereal and use in my breakfast shakes, I also eat copious amount of yogurt, low-fat cottage cheese, string cheese and baby Bonbels as snacks, mozzarella cheese on my pasta, pepperjack in my eggs, feta on my salads (actually, I had 4 different kinds of cheese in my fridge alone), and macaroni and cheese. Incredible…I eat a good full serving of dairy with every meal, and often in between with snacks!
Needless to say cutting it out has been a challenge. In addition to dairy products, I’m supposed to cut out any product made with dairy derivatives – this means cutting out my Nutrigrain morning bars that have whey protein, my cereal made with lactose, my Veggie Cheese I bought in haste before researching the fact it’s made with the milk protein casein, and….chocolate. Actually that’s not totally true…very high cacao dark chocolates often are dairy free, but I’m a milk-chocolate kind of girl. I have found some Central Market truffles that are dairy free (thank god for cocoa butter), and I think they are my sweet tooth’s saving grace for the next ten days.
This semester has been going well – it’s more of a challenge than last semester (more difficult classes, tying things with the lab, observation hours, trying to earn a dime on the side with babysitting) but I’m balancing it so far. It’s just going so quickly…I cannot believe it’s February already. I’ve also noticed my thoughts are preoccupied with excitement about the future: about having a job (and a real paycheck for the first time in my life), about being on a mission to help people daily, about being able to move anywhere my little heart desires…maybe even sign up for one of those health practitioners without borders kind of deal and just travel all over. That’s good for motivation on occasion, but I don’t want to let it distract me. I’m trying more and more to live in the moment, stop wishing my life away on the dreams of where I’ll be and what I’ll be doing when I graduate. I have a lot of great things in front of me right here, right now. I love where I am, who I am, and what I’m doing…and I really want to actively pay attention to all of my God-given blessings. I am truly blessed.
I’m trying to figure out a puzzle. Following some news I received this week, I guess I set up some expectations for situations I thought would unfold, and they didn't.
Problem is, it’s affecting me more than I’d like to admit. I’ve had nightmares about it for three days in a row. It’s for the best, and will at least put things out of sight. Unfortunately, I’m finding it a little harder to put it out of mind.
And I know there has to be a way to make my own peace. I know there has to be a way, but I just don’t know how. There's a piece to the puzzle that's missing and that's an apology. How do you forgive and forget someone who has hurt you and isn’t sorry? I’ve gone through the actions time and time again, but I want closure.
Peace of mind and lack of an apology.
It's a riddle of life.
How do I negotiate the two?
