The most beautiful thing I saw all weekend

Today I experienced something beautiful.

I was driving over to check in on a dog I’ve been sitting for while his owner is away for Thanksgiving. I was upset over something (sidenote, people: there are right ways and wrong ways to say things – choose your words carefully). As I pulled up to a red light at an intersection of typical Texan highway pandemonium, the tears began to fall. A homeless man with a Sharpie-on-cardboard sign perched on a grassy median saw me, and began to approach my car.

He didn’t ask for money. Instead, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a clean napkin and offered it to me to dry my eyes. I immediately stopped crying.

Sometimes, the selfless beauty of human kindness just awes me.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving! I think this is one of the best holidays of the season (and I'm a holiday junkie). Not only do you get to eat an amazing assortment of food (or even more exciting, cook it!), generally you get to take some time to rest on your haunches, relax with family and friends, watch a little football, and enjoy the simple pleasure of not doing anything. I don't think we as Americans do this often enough: be still and enjoy the simplicity of just being.

I'd like to take just a moment to honor this holiday and play the Thanksgiving Game by saying what this last year on earth has graced me with. You can never count your blessings too often. <3

I'm grateful that my old program allowed me to leave gracefully, and though the situation was unique and the time constraints tight, I was able get a degree. I am grateful for all of the help I'd received and all I'd learned from them...it truly was a growing experience.

I'm grateful for my family and my close friends whom I still keep in touch with, no matter what the physical distance is between us, and who will never fail to be completely honest with me when I implore the truth. They love me as I am, and are not afraid to point out my faults and tell me when I'm wrong. That is love.

I'm grateful for the new friends I've been making, for my incredible luck in finding what I think are some of the greatest people in Austin to befriend. I am so grateful for that. :-)

I'm grateful for knowing when to let go and for learning how to deal. I've learned when to know that a person's chapter in your life is closed, and when things are no longer worth fighting for or worrying about. When it's time to turn the page, let go of any emotions (sadness/anger), and just accept and move on to a greater good.

I'm grateful (oh so very very grateful) that I've found a vocation that will make me happy. I'm more confident as this semester comes to a close that switching programs was not an "expensive mistake" as I originally feared it might be. I'm grateful to be under the training of one of the nation's top programs and to know over the next two and half years I will acquire the skills necessary to help people. To make a difference. Finally, finally, finally....I'm so grateful to understand the passion for a career that I've seen in people around me, and that I was jealous of. Finally, I understand.

I'm grateful to have found a lover who wants me just as I am. I'm grateful he understands my artistic, Fish-based nature. He appreciates my emotional sensitivity. He accepts my quirks: my compulsive baking, my delusional stalking of potential dogs on Craigslist, my eternally childlike outlook and my playfulness, my sense of adventure and inability to keep surprises, my clumsiness, the fact that I will always seem to run into the nearest wall/piece of furniture, and that I make a huge mess every time I eat anything.

I'm grateful that I live in what I think is one of the coolest cities in the country. I'm grateful that I've found the place in the world that is absolutely perfect for who I am right now. I'm grateful there is so much outdoorsy stuff to do, so many like-minded open individuals, and so much laid-back happiness. Honestly, I am deeply and incredibly in love with my city, and am so happy I came here. <3

Lastly, I'm grateful for myself, in a way. I know it sounds a little odd...but I'm grateful that I've gotten to know myself over the past two years. I've learned to live on my own, to be my own best friend. I've developed independence, and I know more about what I like and what I want. I'm happy that I've found a path to self-love, and am enjoying the journey along the way.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

November update

So that horrible cold that I had a few weeks ago may have in fact been (brace yourselves…) the flu. I was sick for a little over two weeks (first week wanting to die, and the next week with an unrelenting cough). When my boyfriend came back into town, he stopped by to visit me but we were both very careful not to get too close or cuddly with each other. A few days later, he was direly sick as well with all of the same symptoms I had (except he had a nasty fever, too). We were quite the couple though, and spent the weekend curled up on the couch watching movies and eating soup. He also introduced me to Theraflu, which was surprisingly a lot of fun…it made me really giddy. :-)

November has been exciting. I went on an impromptu trip to San Diego with one of my friends. We had a great time and were able to travel incredibly cheaply, and stayed in a hostel which was both exciting and inexpensive. San Diego is such an amazing city. I was so impressed by the people. Austin prides itself with having laid back and friendly inhabitants, but I felt that San Diego put even Austin to shame!

I’ve started getting observation hours in at the on-campus clinic. I’ve really enjoyed it (I’ve only observed adults so far), but it’s so great to watch how the clinician and patient interact together and to know that I will be there in that room in less than a year. It’s a little bit intimidating, but mostly exciting! :-)

I’ve also started babysitting a little bit more. It has been an eye-opener. I always tolerated kids, but I hated babysitting in high school. In college I worked with kids’ day camps, which were okay. But now, for the first time ever, I’ve actually found myself truly enjoying working with children. I love it, and even look forward to it - I find some of the "lil ‘uns" completely endearing. It’s weird. I don’t know where this came from. I guess maybe its part of me growing up? I feel like I’m so good with kids now, too…when and how did that happen so naturally? It’s a great feeling though. It’s actually making me considering possibly working with both adult and child populations in the future.

Last night was the Leonid meteor shower. I stayed up until 4 a.m. to watch them. I laid out on the hood of my car bundled up in my sweats and just gave myself up to nature for some time. It was peaceful and serene (and absolutely freezing), but I was able to catch a few good shooting stars to wish upon. Totally worth it. The best one I've ever seen was the August 2005 meteor shower in Canada. That was breathtaking. I hope I get to see another one like that someday soon.

Ok.

Enough for now. <3

Weekend!

I'm so excited for the weekend. I don't really have much planned, other than babysitting on Sunday morning...but I do love weekends. :-)

And the weather is absolutely beautiful....gorgeously sunny and cool. I'm starting to feel better too...hopefully I'll be able to play outside tomorrow or Sunday! :-)

Touche, head cold

Wow. I have a completely newfound respect for rhinoviruses.

I don’t think I’ve had a cold this nasty since I was a little girl.

I’d been feeling fabulous…my exercise routines have been strong, I’d been feeling energetic (with absolutely NO caffeine in my system for the last two months, except a hot tea here or there), I’ve been eating perfectly, and then Tuesday night my left tonsil started feeling a little bit raw. I woke up in the middle of the night feeling like I had mono again (crazy sore throat), and then all day yesterday I just felt like I got hit by a truck. I made some tofu and soba noodle soup, took Airborne, neti-potted, more soup, Gatorade, orange juice, you name it. I just kind of sucked, because I have a huge midterm today, and had to spend all yesterday forcing myself to study when all I wanted to do was lie supine for endless hours.

The day wasn’t totally bad. When I did my soup run to Walgreens, I noticed they had popcorn balls (one of life’s truest most simple pleasures!!) and bought some to enjoy when my taste buds are functioning again.

But yeah, I guess it was the kind of day where popcorn balls were the highlight of my night.

Still feeling amazingly crappy today (no yoga today :-(), but only a few hours until this test is over and I can crawl into bed for 14 hours straight.

Time to push through….

Tomorrow's dawn

Bah.

Man that old adage sometimes feels a little too true....sometimes it just seems that when it rains, it pours. It just hasn't been the most fabulous week, I guess. But it could be worse.

...nothing more than a slightly challenging week thrown my way. But it can be tiring. I've learned the art of breathing my way through until the storm breaks. But sometimes it wears on me. I think I'm just a little wearied. Thanks goodness it's almost the weekend...

I haven't been able to work out the past few days (mostly because of the endo-prep/recovery). I think I'm a little bit moody because of that. I think my body is starved for endorphins. I think tomorrow morning is the perfect opportunity to change that. Maybe a "dawn run" - there is nothing quite like racing the daybreak and greeting the sunrise to start the day.

But for now, bed. Slow breathing and surrendering to sleep....

Rant...

So as I was writing my last blog, some of my clothes were stolen from the dryer (before they were even done drying!) in the laundry facility at my complex. This absolutely pisses me off. This is the *second* time I've had clothes stolen from here. Last time was my fault, because I waited too long to get my clothes, but this time they weren't even finished. It sucks, because it was all stuff I just bought this week as a treat to myself (I don't shop often) and I hadn't even gotten a chance to WEAR them yet. I'm livid.

The worst part is there's absolutely nothing I can do. I wasted money on the clothes, and I wasted $2.25 washing them so some other person can wear them. And there's nothing I can do. I'm not rich. I cannot afford this bullshit. It pisses me off that someone would have the audacity to steal someone else's clothes from a dryer, but it's even worse that this lowlife person targeted an apartment complex comprised of mostly grad students. I'm not a materialistic person, but I also know what it's like to starve. I know what it's like to have to eat scrambled eggs every damn night for dinner. To steal from someone who is well below the poverty line is absolutely trashy.

It just kills me. This totally disillusions my thoughts on the goodness of humanity. A selfish senseless act like this and no culprit - just not a good way to end my weekend.

I just hope that karma will come around and this person will not have gotten those clothes completely free of charge.

Lactic acid attack!

This morning I had my first babysitting job. It went well....I think I like doing the morning groups. I was up at 8 a.m., at work by 8:45, and done by noon with the rest of my Sunday to have all for myself. I was a little nervous....the kids were all young (under 2) and it's been a long time since I've worked with kids that little. I think the cutest part of the day was when a little guy who's walking (but not talking yet, except for a little babbling here or there) walked over to me, and with a puppy look in his eyes waved a book at me. I sat on the ground, and he professionally hopped into my lap, made himself comfortable, and waited for me to start reading to him.

Today I'm a quite sore. I really pushed myself on my run yesterday. I was antsy and couldn't sleep (surprise :-) ), so I decided to run. I actually love running in the rain - it always energizes me and awakens my inner kid. I got carried away and did a swift 3 miles along Shoal Creek. Normally 3 miles wouldn't be much for me, but I'm really *just* getting back into running again, and I think it was the pace more than the distance that's got lactic acid all up in my face today (esp my right hamstring/calf/ITB). Totally worth it though...after I got back, I took a gorgeously steamy shower, covered myself in lotion, snoozed for a quick nap under the softest of sheets. Oh and then a pumpkin bagel with pumpkin shmear from Einstein's.

Mmmm....makes me miss fall. :-)

Driven

Wow…I can’t believe I’ve been in school a month already. I survived my first major hit of tests (all within two days of each other. joy), but studied hard and did well. I’m slightly proud of myself for keeping up with my study habits. Let’s face it: I have never taken time off from school. I’ve been in school every year since I was in kindergarten, and since I started undergrad I’ve only taken one summer off. The rest of summers I loaded myself down with internships, summer classes, working in labs, working part time jobs (there was one summer where I was taking a night class and juggling three part-time jobs and one on-call job). Come to think of it, I was just as intense during the school year. I always maxed myself on credits, ran two clubs, volunteered at the SPCA and nursing homes when I could, and worked in the neuro lab. I never had weekends either: Fridays and Saturdays nights I spent waiting tables and bartending and Sunday mornings I would serve as a Eucharistic minister. I’ve talked to some of my friends from back then, and asked what I was like back then. They told me that I was “fun, but a little crazy about work.” I can see that. I remember quite keenly my senior fall semester, cramming for the GRE’s, working as a lab assistant, taking a graduate level neuropathology course and an intense neuroanatomy course, getting sick 5 times. Five separate colds between September and December of that year. That's just silly. :-)

I look back and cannot figure out how I never burnt out. After graduation, I spent the next two months recovering, and then moved to Austin and started grad school at the end of August.

Austin has changed me. I still consider myself to be focused and driven, but in a more balanced way. I’ve prioritized my life, and made more room for fun and friends and love. I’ve learned to chill. :-)

Hmm. Other news, the insomnia is still an issue. I think I’m just a night owl by nature. I know I can do it, I know I can eventually alter my clock so I’m up at 6:30 am, and in bed by 11:30, but it’s taking so long to get there. Switching to a nocturnal schedule has never been a problem for me…I can get back into that groove in about 2 days. But I’ve been trying to get on a more appropriate sleep schedule for my current class/work day, and it’s been over a month of failure. I’ve tried withholding naps, I’ve tried not looking at the clock, but I’m still wide-awake until 2 am. I’ve tried some OTC sleep aids, but they leave me feeling incredibly groggy the next day. My Mom and sister swear by Sleepytime chamomile tea. Maybe I will give that a shot this week. Any other suggestions??

School is in full swing. I had a quiz Thursday, two big exams Friday, and have another test coming up Tuesday. They were all surprisingly more challenging than I thought they’d be (not at grad school level, but for undergrad classes they definitely were hard). I like that. I like being challenged because it keeps me from becoming bored, and it also encourages me to study more devotedly. This is my future career. I will be working with patients and need to know this material inside and out, and having tons of homework, quizzes, and tough tests keeps me motivated to keep working hard. I’m so happy with this semester though. I’m so happy that I was able to make a change in my life.

I’ve been thinking a lot about happiness lately. Right now I think I am sincerely at one of the happiest places I’ve been in a very long time. And I’ve realized a secret to becoming happy…that a lot of reaching that happiness is under our own control. Happiness if something we are capable of creating in our lives, but we need to be able to be honest with ourselves about what we want, and we have to have the fortitude to make the necessary choices to get there. It’s about respecting and loving yourself, imperfections included. It’s about patiently accepting that some things in life are out of your control, and knowing there is a higher Reason to it all. About taking each day as it comes, enjoying the details of the simplest pleasures, forgiving others, expanding your perspective. It’s about enjoying the search for peace of mind, and celebrating the victories along the way.

Things in my life are not perfect. There are some things I wish I could change: some I’m trying to alter and some are beyond my power. But “wise people count their blessings. Fools count their problems.”

On a less philosophical note, I haven’t been to yoga classes in over a week. I had to skip one because of an appointment with the GI specialist, and the other I skipped because I wasn’t feeling well and thought I was getting the flu. It was a random few hours of illness: uncomfortable throat, low-grade fever, achy muscles, and a cough. The whole thing lasted less than 24 hours though…I was feeling drained and exhausted up until today, so hopefully I kicked it. I got my new running shoes (on sale!) and took them out for a few romps. I think I’d like to try another 5K at the end of October. I want to start training for a half-marathon this fall/winter. I don’t think I’ll do the Austin Half, though…I’ve heard that it’s not the best one for beginners.

Although I’ve been slacking with yoga and running, I have been biking a lot. I try to bike to school, and depending how many trips I take it comes out to 4-8 miles a day (plus any riding I do around campus). I’ve also been trying to bike around town when I can (to bars, to friends houses, even to shop if I know I’m not going to be buying too much).

I also booked a random trip to San Diego in November. There was a big discount on tickets, and two of my friends and I are going to meet up there for a few days. Last time I was in San Diego was two years ago for the SfN conference, and I didn’t really have a chance to play much, so I’m looking forward to this trip a lot. I haven’t had the opportunity to travel much in the past few years (other than trips home), so I think a few days in a new city will be welcome, especially since next year I will have less schedule flexibility than I do now.

Oooo, and Friday night I celebrated the end of the week my making a homemade peach pie. It’s a recipe I got from the mother of one of my best friends. We ate it with friends last night (with some Amy’s ice cream on the side) while watching the PSU white out game. I was actually kind of impressed…the pie was fabulous! I think next time I’d cut down the amount of almond extract I use (it was a little overpowering in my opinion), but the fresh peaches made for a deliciously juicy pie that was a perfect balance or sweet and tartness. Gosh, I love to bake! I’ve been experimenting with new dinner recipes, too. I made stuffed red bell peppers the other night, using a stuffing of rice, tomato sauce, fresh jalapenos, chunks of slow roasted rotisserie chicken, feta cheese, and some chili powder, paprika, and crushed red pepper to taste. It would have been complete if I had some seasoned red kidney beans, but it was still quite yummy.

Ok, times to watch the Colts game and study for my test. :-)

Fall Invades Austin?

I had my doctor appointment this morning. As I suspected, since the medication hasn’t been helping as much as she’d like, so she’s sending me to a specialist to get an endoscopy. I am not excited about this procedure, but I will also admit that I’m looking forward to it being over so we can finally figure out what is wrong with me. Although I know it’s probably nothing, I’m a little nervous. I know what the worst-case scenario could be. And I know I have a family history of it. But I’m trying not to worry about it until there is actually something to worry about. And pray. I’ve been praying like mad.

This weekend was good for me though. It was incredibly relaxing. I’d had a very social past few weeks, and I needed some down time at home. The past week has felt like fall here in Austin. Is it here to stay? Austin weather tends to be exciting and unpredictable.

It poured rain Friday and Saturday, and I essentially spent most of that time curled up in boxers with a blanket on the couch. I made a romantic crab cake dinner on Friday night (complete with an assortment of cheese/crackers/mustard/jellies as an appetizer, a Caesar salad, and mashed potatoes). Saturday morning I woke up early to an air raid of rain bullets being dropped on the roof, and couldn’t sleep so I did 30-45 minutes of yoga, and then practiced some phonetics while watching an old Grey’s rerun. The rest of the day was filled with rotating sessions of cuddling up on the couch, watching college football, sitting by a window listening to the rain, and working on phonetics. Watching the games with the lights off and the rain relentlessly falling outside brought back strong memories of typical Saturdays growing up in Pennsylvania….I’d be coming home from an art class, Dad would be watching the PSU game in the living room with the dogs, and Claire would be keeping Mom company in the kitchen watching the Fightin’ Irish play. My Mom would be making a crock pot chicken or beef stew, and would be burning a MacIntosh Yankee Candle burning in the kitchen. The house was dimly lit, and the weather was dark and crisp. It made me a little homesick.

Sunday was more football (go Colts!), and a little studying, and then meeting up with a friend from the Speech Path Program. We shared a blueberry kombucha tea and chatted on the back porch of a small café in the French Place.

Usually after a weekend with an activity level barely rivaling that of a sloth, I tend to feel somewhat remorseful for wasting time and being lazy, but I woke up this morning feeling rejuvenated and alive. I spent excellent quality time with my love, I got some great practice for my phonetics class, and it felt lovely to allow myself to indulge in guilty pleasures without shame (closed off Saturday night with a bacon cheeseburger with grilled onions, BBQ sauce, and fries….mmm :-)).

This weekend was definitely worth every second. :-)

I’m getting frustrated with my body’s circadian rhythms. How long is it going to take me to get back on a “normal” schedule? Last night I had every intention of being in bed by 11:30 or 12, and once again I found myself flip-flopping like a fish under my covers until almost 3 a.m. Haha, well maybe soon enough classes will exhaust me enough I will become like one of those dolls, the ones where you lie them in a supine position and their pupils roll back into their heads and their eyelids flap shut.

I realized last night (this morning, 2 a.m.?) that I think one of the things I want to change about myself is that I feel like I am too much a jack-of-all-trades, but only to a mediocre degree in each skill. I am an artist and a painter, but have been out of regular practice for over two years (since I started the PhD Neuro program). I am a horseback rider, but again have had little opportunities in Austin to expand my talents. I am a runner, but haven’t competed in any distance greater than a 5K (I really want to do a half-marathon; I think a full marathon would exacerbate my knee injury too much). I bike regularly, but would like to do it more regularly. I’d gotten really good at yoga, but again, let my busy research schedule get the best of me. I think I really want to focus on just a few things, and improve them. I would rather be good at a few things, and so-so at others rather than average at all of them.

I’ve been spending time evaluating my short- and long-term goals for myself. More on that later, since I am more fastidious when choosing goals to set for myself. Based on my past experiences, if I have a list of too many goals, I eventually get overwhelmed and will falter. I think I will choose several main points to focus on during this semester (year?), and then will leave the rest up to spontaneity.

I had my Vinyasa class today. It was a little rough…I felt very awkward and clumsy – my asanas were not as graceful as they used to be, and my vinyasas didn’t have a good flow….it was like it needed some lubrication….very rusty. But I have to remember to be gentle with myself. This is my first class in months, and with time I will resuscitate my abilities, and expand on them. :-)

The dawn of a new blog

I believe that I'm at the beginning of a new chapter in my life. I kept a blog back years ago in my early college days (that I have long since lost the password to), and innumerable personal journals and diaries over the years, but because my most recent attempt at blogging (6 months ago) was a near-failure with an update rate of of one entry per 5 months, I decided that with a new chapter in my life begins a new blog. So...

A little bit about me. I moved to Texas two years ago, and began my life in Austin. Since then, many changes have occurred in practically every facet of my life. In this past year alone, I have become a very different person. I’ve grown up a lot, and feel as if I am finally finding myself. In this past year alone, two very big changes occurred in my life: one was my choice, and one was not. I made a very big decision about 9 months ago that the PhD track I was on was not leading me towards my dreams, and I did something that was both scary and exciting: I took action. I realized my unhappiness, and I decided I wasn’t going to settle for something mediocre. I wanted fulfillment, and I wanted to find a future that I would be passionate about. And I did…I found something that made me happier. I found a better life. The other incident is more personal, and I’m not going to divulge much detail about that except to say that likewise, I’m finding a better life.

So….I guess that is where I am now. I am starting my new program. I’m taking classes, and taking out loans (for the first time ever…*sigh*), and hunting for a part-time job. I’ve also gotten back into running and cycling (love my Cannondale!). This weekend was great. It started out nice and relaxing. I went out Friday night for a dinner date with my boyfriend, and then we watched some Planet Earth. Saturday was the first UT football game of the season, which was a blast. The game itself was fun, with a few really exciting moments, and right before the fourth quarter began it started to drizzle just a little. I love the rain, particularly in Austin where it has been absent for entirely too long. Mmm…especially warm rain. It has that smell of wet asphalt and sizzling concrete associated with it – entirely different from the bone-chilling cold autumn rains I grew up with in the Northeast. I would say the only downside about the game was that we were right near the cannon, and it kind of smelled like Bevo-farts every time the damn thing was fired off (which was often).

Sunday, I went to bf’s lab gathering down in the Hill Country. It was awesome…there was a donkey, and two horses (one of which I might actually start riding soon on a regular basis), and even chickens. I got to meet some new friends, and eat some phenomenal guacamole, and even hear the gory details of how a donkey is gelded.

Today was a lot of much needed “me” time. I cleaned, ransacked REI in the 5 minutes I had before they closed, put my new saddle on the Cannondale (with some assistance), cooked some din-din, and made some decaf Hawaiian Grog (which, sadly, now smells like writing my Masters’ thesis)....just unwound.

Ok. I think I’m going to practice some phonetics transcription before bed.