This year’s Thanksgiving was just phenomenal.
For starters, it was the first day since Oct. 30th that I had off, so even that alone was awesome! It’s hard sometimes being so far away from my family back home, and Thanksgiving break is so short (and always so busy with finals immediately after) that I’ve never flown back home for this particular holiday. However, now with my sister here, it’s amazing to have part of my family near me. She and I are very close as sisters and as friends, and we’re now able to do a lot of things that we used to do before we moved away for college: watching movies, decorating for the holidays, shopping, going to parties, going on runs. In fact, I think this is the most time we’ve spent together since we were both in high school and living under the same roof.
So we started off Thanksgiving by running the Turkey Trot 5-miler together. The field was 17,000 and it was very muggy, but so much fun! Then we came back to my place, had a post-race snack while watching the last 30 minutes of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade and the beginning of the Dog Show, and then we split to spend lunch/dinner with our boyfriends and separate friends. Dinner was absolutely delicious and for the first time I can remember I actually fell asleep after eating, with the Saints-Cowboys game broadcasting in the background. Then we met back up to go to the Longhorns-A&M game together and, frozen, stood in line for some Starbuck’s coffee for about an hour while girl-talking. Sadly, the Longhorns lost, but we braved the windy cold to go back to chill with friends, and then part ways again. I stayed up until 3 am with my boyfriend watching some insane movie (The Cube?), and then this morning I allowed myself, for the first time in a month, to sleep in as late as my body would let me (which was about 12:30 p.m.). Total. Bliss. :-)
And in honor of Thanksgiving, I’d like to take a moment and reflect on my blessings over this past year.
I’m grateful for my family, whom I love dearly, and for my very closest friends, who are amazing and whom I consider to be my “second” family.
I’m grateful that my cousin is cancer-free, and that she is healthy and doing well.
I’m grateful that I live in a setting of peace, that despite the crime we see occasionally, we are not caught in a major world war.
I’m grateful for the freedom I have to express my politics, my religion, and my beliefs. I’m grateful I live in a city where I feel like I fit in, and in a climate that is sunny almost every day and makes me smile even when I’m feeling kinda low.
I’m grateful that I’m finally learning the ropes of this graduate program, and that I feel like I’ve finally found my calling. I’m grateful that my passion for this as a career is still blooming, and that I’ve had the opportunity this semester to train with some of the best clinical supervisors I could ask to be placed with.
I’m grateful for finding love in so many places: with a lover, with my friends, and with strangers who share a common mind.
I’m grateful for my own health, and the recently renewed ardor that I have for running. I’m grateful I’ve been able to find healthy ways to channel any stressful energy, and that my sister and I both love running and now have yet another way for us to bond and reconnect.
I’m grateful I was able to see my family so much this year. The traveling sometimes was tiring, but it was always worth spending time with my family, whom I constantly wish lived closer to Austin.
I’m grateful that the semester is almost over….only a few more projects and sessions until I can relax and start baking again, reading for fun again, painting again, doing yoga, and having free time to spend with the people I love.
I’m grateful for these, and all of the other blessings that God has given me.
Happy Thanksgiving! :-)
Being defeated sucks.
First, it has the capacity to undermine the confidence we’ve built up in ourselves. It might pose a struggle, too….we might be in denial, and not ready to throw in the towel. We know we’re fighting a losing battle, we know we’re sinking and there’s little chance of rising back, but we grit our teeth and hold out. We put our last remaining ounces of energy into that often encouraging/sometimes deceitful notion of hope, thinking if maybe we just try a little harder we will win this thing.
But sometimes we don’t. Sometimes you need to just know when it’s over. Occasionally it’s a relief, knowing that finally the exhaustion of the struggle is done, but most of the time it’s just really damn disappointing.
That’s where I am tonight. In one area of my life, tonight I have been defeated. I’ve tried my best, and it wasn’t enough. And now I’m left down, somewhat saddened and slightly broken up about it. And I’m finally admitting what I should have long ago.
I will move past it. Maybe starting tomorrow. But for tonight, it just plain sucks.
I have a habit of daydreaming. I get lost in my thoughts about the future. I start with an idea of what I want for myself, and then start mentally constructing plans on how to make that happen. The problem is sometimes these are things that are far down the road, which means consuming cerebral energy by laying down plans might be futile – who knows what things in my life will change between now and then. Even more importantly, dreams are quite plastic, and my current desires may evolve into something new. For most of this semester, my daydream thoughts have been preoccupied with the future of my career and where I (might) move after Austin. After graduation, I’ve had my mind’s eye set on doing my CFY in Honolulu. I’ve searched for positions, and already found a placement offered for a CFY in adult rehabilitation services. I’ve casually looked into apartment availability, and fantasized about how I would spend my free time, what scenic runs I could take, learning to surf, meeting new people and making new friends.
In less than a month I will be finishing my first semester of clinic, but I still have four more left to go. This past week I’ve been practicing living in the moment.
And wow…how liberating it has been! Where will I be in a year and a half? Who cares! I’m in Austin now! What will I be doing? We’ll find out when I get there, but relax and don’t worry about it until it gets closer. Whom will I be dating, if anyone? Only time will tell. Whom will I be friends with? Let my current friendships evolve as they will, and open myself to cultivate new ones. It’s amazing. I feel so free, so energetic, and so happy.
My heart is lighter. Every day, I now focus on my running, my projects for class, my lesson plans, my sessions, and my clients’ progress, my current friendships and relationships. I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I have faith.
When I first started therapy, I over-planned. I would script out exactly what I wanted to say at each moment of the session. But it wasn’t working….sessions rarely go exactly as outlined in the lesson plan, and I’ve started to learn to provide myself with a basic goal, and then just kind of going with the flow. Sessions are dynamic by nature, and I’ve been learning to respond accordingly. It’s all about the art of flexibility, and knowing that you can find a way to deal with whatever comes your way.
And now I’m generalizing that lesson to other areas. I’m learning that I can let go of over-planning my life, eliminating unnecessary stress by allowing myself to focus only on what’s important right now, and enjoying the ride. I’m learning to relax about things not only when I schedule time for myself to decompress, but all of the time.
And it is so amazing. :-)
