Darkness

This Christmas break I saw The Black Swan three times in theaters. It was a great movie, and I highly recommend it. It was very sinister and dark.

Lately, I’ve been feeling a little dark myself.

I think the weather has played the culprit for much of the shadows in my atmosphere. The past week or two have been remarkably cold and wintry for Texas, highs in the 30’s and lows almost in the teens, and the past two days it has been raining. I’ve been caged up inside the apartment, and thus have been bottling all of my energy inside (no running = no energy discharge). I’ve also been spending a lot of time alone.

Hot chocolate weather my butt. That is a good excuse for a day or two. After days of freezing, I’m ready to play outside again. I’m ready to thaw the blue from my fingers and toes and marinate my skin in delicious sunshine.

The “dark side” can feel cavernous at times. Luckily mine is usually well concealed even from me, but when it emerges it does so as an unfortunate familiar foe.

I think part of the anxiety and darkness is from the semester starting (in two days). I’ve gotten a general outline of my schedule, but don’t know my exact time slots for clinic. I know I’ll have some early ones, and am hoping that my late clinic doesn’t last too late. Part of me is ready to go back to work. Part of me is dreading the hours and stress. I am hoping this semester is a little less stressful than last semester.

And oh, break…where did you go? So fast – I remember decorating for Christmas and the astonishing feeling of freedom I had at knowing the next 5 weeks were mine! My plan was to cook more, read more, paint more, and run more. A running injury thwarted that plan, but I did cook a LOT. I think perhaps the most ingenious one were black bean brownies. They made a chocolate delicacy an almost-health food. Awesome.

And, on a last note, New Year’s resolutions. I’m normally not one to make them, but last year I did really well at keeping mine (to be better about recycling everything I could), so after 3 weeks into 2011 I finally settled on the things I want MOST to improve this year.

1. Keep in touch better with my family and friends. During the fall semester, I all but vanished from the radar. I want to try and keep in touch with my loved ones….even if it’s just once a week or every two weeks.

2. Cut back on my sodium. I have low blood pressure (last time at the doc’s it was 90/63), but I eat a TON of salt. I excessively salt my vegetables, potato chips, pasta, chicken, my mac and cheese, my frozen dinners….sometimes I pour a spoonful of salt and just eat it straight…that’s how much I crave it. I also drink water like it’s going out of style (average 3-5 liters of water a day). I’ve gotten a lot of comments from people about how much salt I eat, so (for at least a month) I’m going to try to stop salting my food. If I find that it works for me, I will try to do it for the rest of the year.

Let’s see how it goes. :-)

Body signs

About a month ago I was running one of my favorite 5-mile routes by a local golf course when I started noticing a weird twinge in my right leg. I stopped, stretched it out, and continued on. While I was running I was contemplating the pains we experience when we challenge ourselves. I had just signed up for my first half marathon (prior to that date, my longest run was just shy of 11 miles, so I felt totally on track as far as training was concerned). More specifically, I was considering the aches that I had gone through over the course of the semester (both physically from my running and mentally from the program). There were headaches, backaches, aches in my stomach, aches in my legs….but I iced, or stretched, or soaked, or rested. These aches were nothing new…in fact they were expected – growing pains as I expanded my abilities.

Then on the Thursday following my sign-up, I got a calf cramp. It was annoying, but nothing I couldn’t run through. It felt like a bad toe cramp (the kind where your toes involuntarily cross and you can’t move them) but directly in the center of my right calf. I took the day off, iced and stretched it, and went out the next day to do a 5-miler. A mile and a half later I was hobbling back to my apt…most certainly injured. A calf strain (somewhere between level 1 and 2) that later resulted in an Achilles and ankle strain. I haven’t run for 3 weeks, and I probably won’t for another 2...nothing left to do but baby my leg until it heals. No half marathon for me this winter. :-(

The question I have been grappling with is how was I supposed to know? I was sore often from pushing myself on my runs, and driving through it has always resulted in personal development. This time it cost me a race and over a month of training. What signs do we look for to know that pain is a sign of improvement or a sign of injury? What hallmarks can warn us?

On another note, Christmas break was great…I went home to see my family and then flew out to meet up with my boyfriend and his family and friends for a few days. Now that I’m back I’m feeling a little drained. There is no reason I can think of for it though....maybe I need to get myself back on a regular schedule to energize myself?

Oddly, I’ve been having a lot of nightmares lately. It’s so strange because they are so vivid and real, and even 4 minutes after waking I can remember all of the details clearly. I had a bad set while I was visiting my boyfriend, and then last night I had a series of nightmares. I would wake up between them, acknowledge everything that occurred and that it was just a dream, and then go back to sleep. After the third nightmare, I could still recall all of the details from the first two. I also experienced sleep paralysis again last night for the first time in perhaps 2-3 years. I used to get it in high school and college several times a year, but it was odd to go through it again. For those of you who have never gone through sleep paralysis, it is a bizarre (and initially terrifying) experience: your body is completely void of muscle tone, as if you were still asleep. You are completely dead weight. Your mind, however, is awake and in my case wholly aware. It actually feels a lot like when you are starting to pass out, right after everything goes black and you cannot feel anything or move, but you can hear everything going on. I’ve found during my episodes the worst thing to do is to fight it because it just scares me and makes me panic. The more I try to move my arms, open my eyes, move my mouth, the more frustrated and nervous I get. I’ve learned if I just breathe deeply and know I can ride out the few minutes that it lasts, I will shake it off more easily.

Another weird thing I’ve noticed is that my blood pressure has been acting up. I have always had very low blood pressure (standard for me is like 100/70), but lately I’ve had crazy waves of orthostatic hypotension. Not uncommon if I haven’t eaten a lot, but these episodes are occurring without warning.

So strange, though. Gosh. This, combined with my unusual fatigue and my constant freezing feet and hands....and now I’m starting to wonder if, despite taking a daily multivitamin, I may actually be anemic. Maybe I should get tested?