Let it go!

Because it's not easy.
Because it gets easier, but then sometimes gets harder without warning.
Because that can leave us questioning and doubting ourselves.
Because sometimes we need a reminder.

A few days ago I wrote about surrounding yourself with people who are good and healthy for you, and distancing yourself from the bad. But what about when people who at the time are good for you leave you?

I tended to have this horrible habit of always seeing it as my loss. When a friend decided our friendship for whatever reason was not worth continuing, when a relationship ended, or any other situation where people just up and left, abandoning any future with me I always saw it as a single-sided loss. I saw it as my loss. Then one day I was on the phone with my Mom and she instilled in me a new perspective. "Col, why do you only see it as your loss? You're a great person, it's their loss, too."

Hmm. Food for thought. Everyone has been "left" before. It's not fun, but it's part of life. Can any loss between two people truly be single-sided?

Know your worth.

Here is a speech I come to from time to time when I need to take a cue from the preacher T.D. Jakes.

"There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this: when people can walk away from you, let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.
You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains...

LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and
see your worth.....

LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you.

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents

LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude.....

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......

LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him........

LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.......

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves......

LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed.....

LET IT GO!!!

Get Right or Get Left ... think about it, and then.

LET IT GO!!!"

Helloooooo, summer!

Summer is off to a good start. Per usual, time is flying, and I cannot believe that June is almost half over. I went on a tubing and camping trip last weekend, and had an amazing time with friends: brats over the fire, pre-dinner hike around Canyon Lake, a balmy midnight swim in the pitch dark, and then settling into the tent under the stars. I love camping. :-)

This week was my first week of summer class, and I’ve also started my summer work for a professor. The class is much better than I thought it would be – it’s stats heavy and I’m not statistics’ biggest fan so I was a bit worried going into it, but the teacher is great and keeps the class interesting. I think it’s good to be getting back to a diurnal schedule, too. All too easily I fall into my night owl fashion of sleep/wake cycles when I don’t have a structured schedule of responsibilities. I’ve also been good about going to the gym after class, and have been managing to do about 3 miles daily, plus yoga a few times a week. I think I want to try and move my running outside, though. Running in the heat has never been my thing – I get dizzy and nauseous very easily in it, but a half-marathoner friend of mine shared a few tips with me: run before the sun comes up/after the sun goes down (something I’m used to doing anyway), run with a few water bottles (fill them halfway and freeze overnight, and then top them off before heading out), and wet and freeze a bandana or two to wrap around your wrists, forehead, or carotids (great way to cool the body down when it’s too humid for your sweat to help with temperature-regulation). I’ve been looking into hydration packs, and considering purchasing one.

I’ve also started taking a daily multivitamin again. I stopped taking them a year or two ago because they bothered my oh-so-sensitive stomach, but after getting sick so many times in the past year, my sister gave me a mini-lecture on the benefits of taking them and I decided to take another stab at it. With enough food it doesn’t hurt my stomach, and I’ve actually really noticed a huge increase in my energy levels – it’s amazing! I’m not a caffeine fan and usually around 2-3 pm I find myself yearning with absolute ardor to crawl into bed for a 45-minute nap. After taking the vitamin daily for a week, I felt my energy level stabilize and don’t crash so easily.

Oh gosh, speaking of food….how much do we love love LOVE summer and all of the fresh produce it brings with it??? Goodness gracious, I’ve been eating myself silly with strawberries, mangoes, zucchini (with Israeli couscous, perhaps my new favorite carb), corn on the cob, avocadoes, tomatoes, fresh basil….oh so GOOD! My Mom sent me an article about how this year will be one of the best peach crops in ages, and I tell you I am salivating over my keyboard just thinking about it. I know I’m kind of a weirdo, perhaps, but I absolutely adore delicious fresh produce. I can’t wait until my one friend comes back from traveling abroad so we can clean out the farmer’s markets!

Many of my speech path friends have been embracing a very challenging summer. Word on the street is that the third term (i.e., the summer between first year and second year) is the most challenging because you become more fully immersed in clinic and diagnostics. I’m so excited to start, but also nervous: I see what they have been going through and it’s rewarding, but no cakewalk. The program really challenges your time management skills, your academic competence, your ability to clinically apply what you’ve learned in the classroom, and perhaps hardest and most important to learn, your ability to take constructive criticism (lots of it) – to learn how to use it to shape you into a better clinician and not take it so personally. It’s exhilarating to realize I will be there soon, too, with my own patients and charts to write and lesson plans, but also a bit nerve-wracking. It’s going to be an adjustment – I just need to have faith in myself that I can do it.

I’ve been thinking about some of the changes that have gone on in my life over the past year, and the changes that are also coming my way (um, mostly starting clinic). Change can be scary, but it’s inevitable and sometimes necessary. Sometimes we choose to create change and sometimes change chooses to create us. I’ve been thinking about the changes I would like to start, parts of my life I would like to take more seriously and just things about myself as a person I would like to….mature. There are personality aspects I would like to ripen, and skills that I wish to further develop. But I also don’t want to get so hung up on trying to change that it distracts me from the natural course of my personal evolution. I’ve been thinking about embarking on self-betterment, and dang it can be overwhelming. I saw a quote the other day that made me stop and think.

“Start where you are.”

Because, after all, isn’t that all you really can do?

Goodnight, friends. Love. <3

Dismissed

My week home was wonderful. It flew by, and it was warm and lush and so very green green green, much like the Pennsylvanian summers I remember. It went fast, and I actually traveled a lot (day trip to Maryland with the family, day trip to New York for the shower, and both Wednesdays were spent traveling). Despite that, I also made sure to get in a lot of downtime with my family: late night chats and Discovery Health Channel with my sis (being in medical professions, we’re both seriously addicted to Mystery Diagnosis, Mystery ER, etc…she was so great at diagnosing, too – definitely has some solid nursing skills), walks after dinner with my Mom and sis, ooo….the Grey’s season finale (although I seriously believe that my cousin and I are the only two people left that still follow the show), and my first real shopping spree with my Mom and sis in probably over three years.

Being back in Austin has been great, and likewise has been going fast. This weekend I managed to get in a lot of playtime with friends, my boyfriend, and his new roommate, and tonight I babysat. Since coming back, I’ve caught up on errands, bills, recycling, cleaning, and rebooted my yoga practice. I’ve started doing dropbacks (I’ve got the dropping back part down, but the coming up part I’m struggling with). I’ve also started doing side crow pose (I can get it on my left side, but not my right side yet – my right side is always slower to follow in almost everything I learn). I still do my headstands next to the wall, but my instructor told me two weeks ago she thinks it’s just a prop. Mentally, I still feel like I need it. Physically, I don’t use it nearly as much as I used. She said I should just try doing it away from the wall and see if I can pop up. The only times I’ve felt brave enough to try it lately I’ve been a bit inebriated (anyone else crave asanas after a beer or two?), but decided against it. Regardless, it’s weeks like this that make yoga worthwhile and so exciting. It’s the achievements, whether little or big, that make it thrilling. One day, you’re trying for the 70^th consecutive time to do something you’ve been attempting for what feels like ages and then the next day, you graduate – your body is now capable of doing something that long ago you once thought would’ve been impossible. It's a pretty amazing feeling.

Lastly, and a bit randomly, I’ve been thinking about something a friend had said to me about two years ago. At the time, I was struggling with letting someone go out of my life when he was making it evident he desperately wanted nothing else but out. After seeking his advice, my friend said to me: “Don’t worry. You’ll get better at it with time. You learn to dwell less, and move on. I’ve actually gotten scary-good at kicking people out of my life.” Two years later, I don’t think I’ve completely fulfilled that prediction, but I have noticed it in some ways I’ve learned to rid my life of people who are obviously bad for me. Last September, I made a decision to rid my life of things (thoughts, habits, and even people) that were, for lack of a better word, “toxic” to my happiness. I started seeing people in their true light, and noticed how much crappier I felt after hanging out with them. I noticed how they treated others, what their priorities were, and how they responded to challenges to their conscience.

Over the past year I’ve had to dismiss a few people from my life for various reasons, and true to my friend’s words…it was not as hard as I thought it would be. I don’t think it means I’m any better at letting people go, but perhaps I’ve gotten better at moving on from people and situations that I know are bad for me, things that will only cause unrest in my heart and drama in my life. When my goal is love and peace of mind, why would I want any unnecessary anxiety hanging around? Why would I want to associate with people who are self-centered and petty, or to stand for being mistreated? I do not wish them malevolence, but neither do I wish them the best. I am indifferent. The opposite of adoration/love is apathy. I think this means I’m learning how to recognize what is good for me, and what could potentially cause me harm. I’m learning to surround myself more with likeminded and wonderful people….good and true friends who see me for who I am and would do anything for me and I would do anything for, friends who are loving, caring, and genuine. I don’t know why it took me years to discover that one’s freedom to choose whom to associate with is a liberating reality.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, and don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

If someone is treating you recklessly, let go and move on to a greater good.

Listen to your body

Yeah, soooo that sore throat turned out to be strep. Unfortunately, the PA that attended to me at the UHS didn’t believe me when I told her I thought it was strep and didn’t do rapid culture test, and by Wednesday my throat was so sore and swollen I was occasionally choking on my saliva. Luckily, I went back the next day and the Z-pack kicked in pretty quickly….I’m still not quite back to normal, but getting there. Moral of the story: listen to your body. If you know something is not right, be insistent with your health care provider.

Yesterday my boyfriend and I hosted a pool party. It was so much fun, and so long awaited…he and I have both had an intense semester. We swam, we grilled, we played some card games, we ate some amazing desserts, we had some beer, and we stayed up until the wee hours dancing to an iPod mix and talking with friends. It’s nights like those that make me feel alive and so young, and so very lucky.

Today was chill. I’m still not feeling great, so I slept in late and skipped my workout, but I did spend most of the day running around Ikea like a kid, which was awesome. We even got ice-cream cones on the way out. :-)

Ugh, I still feel like such a space cadet, my mind is just completely untethered to any coherent string of thoughts. I am looking forward very much to getting my health back. I miss my running and my intense yoga sessions. I’ve noticed since moving to Austin I get sick much more easily, and I’m wondering what it is. I already eat healthy, but I definitely have poor sleeping habits. I think I’m going to try to be better about getting more sleep this summer, and set up a good routine that I can carry into the very busy fall I have coming up.

Hmm. I guess the only other exciting thing that has been going on has been that I did a TON of cooking the party: triple chocolate mousse cake (YES), homemade brownies with a delectable icing, dip for the chips, and an amazingly scrumptious salad dressing that I’d like to share.

Honey Balsamic Dressing

Ingredients

1/2 cup balsamic vinegar

1 small onion, chopped (I skipped this since there were onions in the salad)

1 tablespoon soy sauce

3 tablespoons honey

1 tablespoon white sugar (I used brown sugar instead)

2 cloves garlic, minced (I added some garlic powder since i didn't have garlic on hand)

1/2 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes

2/3 cup extra-virgin olive oil

Directions

1. Place the vinegar, onion, soy sauce, honey, sugar, garlic, and red pepper flakes into a blender. Puree on high, gradually adding the olive oil. Continue pureeing 2 minutes, or until thick.

(I just whisked everything together in a bowl since the blender was being used for frozen drinks, and it still came out delicious!)

Juice Fast

Well, looks like I might be doing an unintentional juice fast today. I woke up this morning with my palatine tonsils so swollen that I cringe in swallowing even my saliva. I can feel significant constriction in the velvar and lateral-posterior pharyngeal muscles, and all I keep praying is "Please, please do not let this be strep or mono." The weird thing is that there are no other symptoms. No fever, I'm a little tired but hey that's expected (finals week). No cough. No stuffy nose. So bizarre.

I can't get a decent look in there to see if there are white spots (sometimes a telltale sign of strep), but nothing seems to be standing out. But good God it's annoying!! Did you know the average person swallows approximately 2,400 times a day? Yeah....I never really noticed either...until now.

I blended up some frozen mango and Vitamin Water for brunch, and managed to force it down, and luckily I'm well-stocked with cranberry juice, vitamin waters, coconut juice, and plenty of tea if I need it.

I have a dr's appt for tomorrow afternoon. If it's not cleared up by morning, it's probably worth getting checked out.

Well, on a happy note I did have an awesome weekend! I went horsebackriding and did yoga with a friend at this place about an hour south of Austin called Inspired Riding. Here's a photo of Bizzy(?) and me cantering around the ring. He was a bit slow for an Arabian (note the riding crop), but was also almost as old as I am:

Man, I forgot how much I missed riding! I know someone near Austin that has a horse that needs to be ridden, and I think I just may take them up on the offer now.

Saturday night, some friends and I went downtown to see my favorite 80's cover hairband, LC Rocks at Speakeasy. They are soooooo good! I got to meet and get a picture with the lead vocalist, Matt...he was so sweet and friendly!! Here's a video of them covering Guns 'N Roses "Sweet Child O Mine" (sorry it's so seasick-wobbly...I was probably dancing ;-)):

Yesterday I took a friend's dog on a 4 mile run. It was a lot of fun, and I really felt a little safer having a canine with me, especially since it was on a trail that is not in view of traffic. I really can't wait until I get to have my own four-legged running buddy! I really want a bigger dog....something with endurance and a goofball personality. Maybe a Great Dane/Labrador mix? Then last night my friend and I got together to do yoga and pilates together. It really made me push myself harder in my practice than I sometimes do with my own private practice. I think we're going to try to make it a more regular occurrence.

Welp, I guess it's about time to get myself and sad little infected lymph glands elbow deep in some studying. Two days, baby. Go hard or go home.

Happy Monday peeps, and please say a little thought and prayer for me that I kick this illness' butt today and tonight.

Finals Freakout

Oh, finals week again. I never seem to survive finals without freaking out a substantial amount, although I will say this time around my test anxiety is a little better than it usually is. But still, I can feel the Chihuahua nerves rattling, the insomnia creeping in, and the immense exhaustion trailing me closely, following my scent as I make my way through the next week.

Summer vaca lurks just around the corner….so close yet also elusive, allowing only glimpses of what freedom brings.

I have one test in 25 minutes, followed by a big final from 5-7 pm, and then I get to go home and study for another exam tomorrow at 8 am.

Then I have 2 5-page papers to work on, and one or two finals (yeah, I need to look into that…) next Wednesday and/or Thursday.

My actual break will only be a two or three weeks…I’m taking a first session summer class from June to July and will surely be racking up the babysitting hours, too. I’m still waiting to hear about the internship (unpaid, but hey, I’ll take it!).

Oh man, I’d so rather be kayaking right now. Or reading a novel poolside. Or whipping up one of the twenty new recipes I’ve got on my To Try list. Or going on a nice long leisurely run, exploring new parts of Austin.

My inner escapist is surfacing.

Fight or flight, my friend.

Now is not the time to run. Now is the time to rise to the occasion, to SUIT UP.

To rush off warrior-like into combat against essays, diagrams, and tests of memory and knowledge.

To summon my inner ninja, and tackle the challenge.

And it all starts now, with my Anat/Phys test.

CHARGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy 47th, buddy!

Man I feel like my life has been on fast-forward since spring break. Every single day (up until yesterday) I would spend half my day in class and the other half studying and working manically on projects. When I wasn’t preoccupied by school, I was babysitting. I made room for friends, but I felt badly because it was usually after a long day hauling butt and I never had the energy to stay out late or just always acted exhausted.

The good news is that a break lies merely around the corner! Next week is going to be the worst (three big exams in two days) and then finals is the following week. This week is the first week since February that I haven’t had an exam.

Anywho enough school talk! Saturday was Eeyore’s Birthday. Eeyore’s is by far one of my favorite events in Austin – it’s a festival of freaks and hippies, and I feel right at home there. People body paint, dress up in costumes, hula-hoop, drink beer, play some bongo’s, run around a Maypole, enjoy the beautiful weather, and celebrate our beloved Eeyore’s birthday (he also just happened to have been my favorite Pooh character as a child!). I went with a bunch of friends around 5, and the night just drifted along…we walked to Kerbey Lane for dinner around 10, and then went back to my one friend’s place to play bananagrams and meet new people. I love nights like that…carefree, wandering, playful, and spent with people I love. It reminded me a lot of my epic, legendary trip to San Diego with one of my best friends…I need more of that stuff in my life. :-)

Yesterday I ran the recycling downtown, went shopping, cleaned, and rewarded myself by spending the whole afternoon baking and cooking. I made a chickpea potato yellow curry, which I have to say for my first time came out great! I think next time I’ll use a plain yogurt instead of milk (to thicken it up). I feel like it was missing something though…maybe some eggplant or broccoli? It was very starchy….next time I will add a more water-based veggie to it. I also made these absolutely delectable peanut butter oatmeal sandwich cookies that I got from my favorite recipe blog. They were such a hit! The cookies themselves were so chewy and oaty (word?) and the peanut butter frosting was just sweet enough – it was equilibrium of sweet and salty. I gave most of them away to the people who had written me letters of recommendation (I hope they like them as much as I did!).

Ok, I should crash…8 am class always comes sooner than I’d like on Tuesday and Thursday. I think the only last note I have is that I’ve been feeling weird about my body lately, almost like I am a stranger in it. I feel vastly detached from my sense of proprioception and kinesthia…and believe me, I’ve got the “running into walls” bruises to prove it. Yoga is supposed to amplify bodily awareness. I guess maybe it’s a sign I’ve got some stuff on my mind, way deep below.

Goodnight, ya’ll.