Grad School Vertigo

I’ve been in grad school (again) for a little less than a month, and finally am starting to feel comfortable to blog. The first few weeks are a LOT of adjusting (and still are…and will probably continue to be for the next month or two…), but I know a lot of the people in my program, I’ve actually started doing therapy, and I’ve been logging the hours that I watched last year’s students go through. A month ago, I had no idea what to expect. That’s a lie….I actually did a lot of research and asked a lot of second-years, so in a way I knew what to “expect.” The professor I am TAing for asked me if I’ve ever done speech therapy before. I said no, but that I’ve logged observation hours in the clinic. He laughed at me and said, “Well yeah….but seeing it and doing it are totally different things. You’ve probably seen open-heart surgery on Discovery channel, but have you ever done it?” Good point. And one that didn’t exactly mollify my nerves, either.

Hmm, so about the speech path program. Well, let’s see. For starters, it is a great program. In 2008 it was in a three-way tie for the 9th best SLP grad program in the country, ranking higher than UNC Chapel Hill, George Washington, and NYU. The program is a balancing act and a challenge to our independence. We juggle 3-4 classes, 3 rotations (with multiple clients in each rotation), and in some cases a TA position. My schedule goes something like this. I wake up at 6 am. Tuesdays and Thursdays I have class and TA until 12:30. Then I sometimes have staffing at 1 pm, and then have class from 2-3. From 3-5 pm I have my on-campus clients. Then I do paperwork on the session and finish gathering ideas/materials for Wed/Fri’s sessions. Then I go home (anywhere from 6:30-8:30 pm….a good 10-12 hours on campus) and I study and go over my lesson plan some more. In bed by 11-12, and instantly asleep (hopefully ;-)). Wednesdays and Fridays I am up and at my off-campus school rotation. I do therapy from 9-12, then home to grab lunch, then to the clinic to do paperwork, and then I plan my lesson for Tues/Thurs and watch training videos or read articles. I leave by 6 or 7 pm. Mondays I have nothing technically scheduled, but I still usually have to go to campus for a good 6-8 hours, just to keep up on paperwork and lesson planning.

And about how it feels: it feels overwhelming much of the time. The to-do list is regenerating every time you think you’ve knocked off some big chucks, much like how a gecko re-grows its tail if it’s removed. Sometimes the anxiety is insane. I've definitely gotten dry-mouthed, almost panic-attack/vertigo-type reactions to the stress. Sometimes I am so busy that I honestly forget to eat and drink...I will look at the clock thinking it is 1:00 pm and it's actually 3:30 pm, and I haven't eaten since 7:30 am. It is a rollercoaster of emotions. For my first off-campus session, I was essentially just thrown in. I had no idea what I was doing, what to say, or how to act. My second session was better. My third session started out reeeeeeally rough, but improved. Today’s session was fabulous, much better than I expected it would be. I could be feeling like I have the hang of it at one moment and exactly 30 minutes later feel like I have absolutely no idea in the world what I am doing and want to lock myself away and hide. The supervisors are all different….some of them will sit with you and help you plan your first lesson plan word for word, and tell you what they think you should include. Some want you to figure it all out more on your own. The latter is scary, because you really have no idea how close you are to the target and the goal might feel a bit vague since we’ve never worked with SOAPs and goals before, but it also seems to be quite effective in helping us learn. If we do something wrong, or incorporate an idea that is unproductive, boy, do we remember! It’s a learning process. I keep reminding myself that….be gentle with myself for my mistakes….it’s those same errors that will help sculpt me to be a better clinician and student.

Client confidentiality mandates that we cannot talk about session details, but with respect to therapy I will say this: despite the long hours, the bewilderment of the first few weeks, and the uncertainty of being new at this, I really do love it. I think it’s a good sign that for almost a month, I have come home from a 10-12 hour day and still feel energized about the topic and want to talk about it. I never felt that way about my research. I wanted to leave it at the office. Speech path and therapy techniques….learning different processes by which I can help people, I can’t seem to get enough! Safe to say that I love the work, even if I don’t love the hours. :-)

I hope that I can harness this enthusiasm and passion and try to keep it through the end of the semester.