Darkness

This Christmas break I saw The Black Swan three times in theaters. It was a great movie, and I highly recommend it. It was very sinister and dark.

Lately, I’ve been feeling a little dark myself.

I think the weather has played the culprit for much of the shadows in my atmosphere. The past week or two have been remarkably cold and wintry for Texas, highs in the 30’s and lows almost in the teens, and the past two days it has been raining. I’ve been caged up inside the apartment, and thus have been bottling all of my energy inside (no running = no energy discharge). I’ve also been spending a lot of time alone.

Hot chocolate weather my butt. That is a good excuse for a day or two. After days of freezing, I’m ready to play outside again. I’m ready to thaw the blue from my fingers and toes and marinate my skin in delicious sunshine.

The “dark side” can feel cavernous at times. Luckily mine is usually well concealed even from me, but when it emerges it does so as an unfortunate familiar foe.

I think part of the anxiety and darkness is from the semester starting (in two days). I’ve gotten a general outline of my schedule, but don’t know my exact time slots for clinic. I know I’ll have some early ones, and am hoping that my late clinic doesn’t last too late. Part of me is ready to go back to work. Part of me is dreading the hours and stress. I am hoping this semester is a little less stressful than last semester.

And oh, break…where did you go? So fast – I remember decorating for Christmas and the astonishing feeling of freedom I had at knowing the next 5 weeks were mine! My plan was to cook more, read more, paint more, and run more. A running injury thwarted that plan, but I did cook a LOT. I think perhaps the most ingenious one were black bean brownies. They made a chocolate delicacy an almost-health food. Awesome.

And, on a last note, New Year’s resolutions. I’m normally not one to make them, but last year I did really well at keeping mine (to be better about recycling everything I could), so after 3 weeks into 2011 I finally settled on the things I want MOST to improve this year.

1. Keep in touch better with my family and friends. During the fall semester, I all but vanished from the radar. I want to try and keep in touch with my loved ones….even if it’s just once a week or every two weeks.

2. Cut back on my sodium. I have low blood pressure (last time at the doc’s it was 90/63), but I eat a TON of salt. I excessively salt my vegetables, potato chips, pasta, chicken, my mac and cheese, my frozen dinners….sometimes I pour a spoonful of salt and just eat it straight…that’s how much I crave it. I also drink water like it’s going out of style (average 3-5 liters of water a day). I’ve gotten a lot of comments from people about how much salt I eat, so (for at least a month) I’m going to try to stop salting my food. If I find that it works for me, I will try to do it for the rest of the year.

Let’s see how it goes. :-)

Body signs

About a month ago I was running one of my favorite 5-mile routes by a local golf course when I started noticing a weird twinge in my right leg. I stopped, stretched it out, and continued on. While I was running I was contemplating the pains we experience when we challenge ourselves. I had just signed up for my first half marathon (prior to that date, my longest run was just shy of 11 miles, so I felt totally on track as far as training was concerned). More specifically, I was considering the aches that I had gone through over the course of the semester (both physically from my running and mentally from the program). There were headaches, backaches, aches in my stomach, aches in my legs….but I iced, or stretched, or soaked, or rested. These aches were nothing new…in fact they were expected – growing pains as I expanded my abilities.

Then on the Thursday following my sign-up, I got a calf cramp. It was annoying, but nothing I couldn’t run through. It felt like a bad toe cramp (the kind where your toes involuntarily cross and you can’t move them) but directly in the center of my right calf. I took the day off, iced and stretched it, and went out the next day to do a 5-miler. A mile and a half later I was hobbling back to my apt…most certainly injured. A calf strain (somewhere between level 1 and 2) that later resulted in an Achilles and ankle strain. I haven’t run for 3 weeks, and I probably won’t for another 2...nothing left to do but baby my leg until it heals. No half marathon for me this winter. :-(

The question I have been grappling with is how was I supposed to know? I was sore often from pushing myself on my runs, and driving through it has always resulted in personal development. This time it cost me a race and over a month of training. What signs do we look for to know that pain is a sign of improvement or a sign of injury? What hallmarks can warn us?

On another note, Christmas break was great…I went home to see my family and then flew out to meet up with my boyfriend and his family and friends for a few days. Now that I’m back I’m feeling a little drained. There is no reason I can think of for it though....maybe I need to get myself back on a regular schedule to energize myself?

Oddly, I’ve been having a lot of nightmares lately. It’s so strange because they are so vivid and real, and even 4 minutes after waking I can remember all of the details clearly. I had a bad set while I was visiting my boyfriend, and then last night I had a series of nightmares. I would wake up between them, acknowledge everything that occurred and that it was just a dream, and then go back to sleep. After the third nightmare, I could still recall all of the details from the first two. I also experienced sleep paralysis again last night for the first time in perhaps 2-3 years. I used to get it in high school and college several times a year, but it was odd to go through it again. For those of you who have never gone through sleep paralysis, it is a bizarre (and initially terrifying) experience: your body is completely void of muscle tone, as if you were still asleep. You are completely dead weight. Your mind, however, is awake and in my case wholly aware. It actually feels a lot like when you are starting to pass out, right after everything goes black and you cannot feel anything or move, but you can hear everything going on. I’ve found during my episodes the worst thing to do is to fight it because it just scares me and makes me panic. The more I try to move my arms, open my eyes, move my mouth, the more frustrated and nervous I get. I’ve learned if I just breathe deeply and know I can ride out the few minutes that it lasts, I will shake it off more easily.

Another weird thing I’ve noticed is that my blood pressure has been acting up. I have always had very low blood pressure (standard for me is like 100/70), but lately I’ve had crazy waves of orthostatic hypotension. Not uncommon if I haven’t eaten a lot, but these episodes are occurring without warning.

So strange, though. Gosh. This, combined with my unusual fatigue and my constant freezing feet and hands....and now I’m starting to wonder if, despite taking a daily multivitamin, I may actually be anemic. Maybe I should get tested?

New Jonsi Song!

Available for free download.

And dang, tell me this isn't the most perfect song for vinyasa yoga, or the absolute optimal music to end a chilly winter run?

(located at the top)

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Ahhhh...back to work now.....

Almost there!

It's time for the final push!

There are 5 days until my classes are over, 16 days until clinic is over, and then I'm home free!

The past two days I seem to have come down with some nasty head and chest cold, but I'm hoping I can kick this soon so I am able to blast through these next two weeks in total glory!

I've also been daydreaming a lot about how I am going to spend my free time once I have it again.

There are soooo many things that I miss doing!

I really miss cooking, and I can't wait to get back to baking and trying out new recipes (my deep adoration for Jonsi this semester has inspired me to try my hand at making some Icelandic dishes). But I also want to try some other ethnic dishes....maybe some genuine Irish or German food.

I can't wait to get back into yoga! I want to try some new styles of classes and see what fits my style with where I am right now in my life. My One Yoga place switched from donation to set fee, but I know of some other donation-based studios and I will check those out, too.

I can't wait to dedicate more time to my running. I imagine going for long runs in the morning, coming home, taking a hot steamy shower or epsom salt bath, and then hanging out with my sister and friends, maybe watching some Christmas movies, drinking some holiday beer, putting up Christmas decorations.

I miss painting! I can't wait to have time to try to make a few new pieces. I really miss being artistically creative! And maybe some horsebackriding with a local friend. Maybe go see some movies in theater. Omigosh.....READING....FOR....PLEASURE! Wow do I EVER miss reading pieces that are not peer-reviewed journal articles!

Right now, I can't think about being sick, and I can't seem to concentrate on the loads of work I have to do (though I really need to!)....I'm just so excited that I'm almost done with this semester! :-D

Amazing Thanksgiving

This year’s Thanksgiving was just phenomenal.

For starters, it was the first day since Oct. 30^th that I had off, so even that alone was awesome! It’s hard sometimes being so far away from my family back home, and Thanksgiving break is so short (and always so busy with finals immediately after) that I’ve never flown back home for this particular holiday. However, now with my sister here, it’s amazing to have part of my family near me. She and I are very close as sisters and as friends, and we’re now able to do a lot of things that we used to do before we moved away for college: watching movies, decorating for the holidays, shopping, going to parties, going on runs. In fact, I think this is the most time we’ve spent together since we were both in high school and living under the same roof.

So we started off Thanksgiving by running the Turkey Trot 5-miler together. The field was 17,000 and it was very muggy, but so much fun! Then we came back to my place, had a post-race snack while watching the last 30 minutes of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade and the beginning of the Dog Show, and then we split to spend lunch/dinner with our boyfriends and separate friends. Dinner was absolutely delicious and for the first time I can remember I actually fell asleep after eating, with the Saints-Cowboys game broadcasting in the background. Then we met back up to go to the Longhorns-A&M game together and, frozen, stood in line for some Starbuck’s coffee for about an hour while girl-talking. Sadly, the Longhorns lost, but we braved the windy cold to go back to chill with friends, and then part ways again. I stayed up until 3 am with my boyfriend watching some insane movie (The Cube?), and then this morning I allowed myself, for the first time in a month, to sleep in as late as my body would let me (which was about 12:30 p.m.). Total. Bliss. :-)

And in honor of Thanksgiving, I’d like to take a moment and reflect on my blessings over this past year.

I’m grateful for my family, whom I love dearly, and for my very closest friends, who are amazing and whom I consider to be my “second” family.

I’m grateful that my cousin is cancer-free, and that she is healthy and doing well.

I’m grateful that I live in a setting of peace, that despite the crime we see occasionally, we are not caught in a major world war.

I’m grateful for the freedom I have to express my politics, my religion, and my beliefs. I’m grateful I live in a city where I feel like I fit in, and in a climate that is sunny almost every day and makes me smile even when I’m feeling kinda low.

I’m grateful that I’m finally learning the ropes of this graduate program, and that I feel like I’ve finally found my calling. I’m grateful that my passion for this as a career is still blooming, and that I’ve had the opportunity this semester to train with some of the best clinical supervisors I could ask to be placed with.

I’m grateful for finding love in so many places: with a lover, with my friends, and with strangers who share a common mind.

I’m grateful for my own health, and the recently renewed ardor that I have for running. I’m grateful I’ve been able to find healthy ways to channel any stressful energy, and that my sister and I both love running and now have yet another way for us to bond and reconnect.

I’m grateful I was able to see my family so much this year. The traveling sometimes was tiring, but it was always worth spending time with my family, whom I constantly wish lived closer to Austin.

I’m grateful that the semester is almost over….only a few more projects and sessions until I can relax and start baking again, reading for fun again, painting again, doing yoga, and having free time to spend with the people I love.

I’m grateful for these, and all of the other blessings that God has given me.

Happy Thanksgiving! :-)

Admitting Defeat

Being defeated sucks.

First, it has the capacity to undermine the confidence we’ve built up in ourselves. It might pose a struggle, too….we might be in denial, and not ready to throw in the towel. We know we’re fighting a losing battle, we know we’re sinking and there’s little chance of rising back, but we grit our teeth and hold out. We put our last remaining ounces of energy into that often encouraging/sometimes deceitful notion of hope, thinking if maybe we just try a little harder we will win this thing.

But sometimes we don’t. Sometimes you need to just know when it’s over. Occasionally it’s a relief, knowing that finally the exhaustion of the struggle is done, but most of the time it’s just really damn disappointing.

That’s where I am tonight. In one area of my life, tonight I have been defeated. I’ve tried my best, and it wasn’t enough. And now I’m left down, somewhat saddened and slightly broken up about it. And I’m finally admitting what I should have long ago.

I will move past it. Maybe starting tomorrow. But for tonight, it just plain sucks.

Living In the Moment

I have a habit of daydreaming. I get lost in my thoughts about the future. I start with an idea of what I want for myself, and then start mentally constructing plans on how to make that happen. The problem is sometimes these are things that are far down the road, which means consuming cerebral energy by laying down plans might be futile – who knows what things in my life will change between now and then. Even more importantly, dreams are quite plastic, and my current desires may evolve into something new. For most of this semester, my daydream thoughts have been preoccupied with the future of my career and where I (might) move after Austin. After graduation, I’ve had my mind’s eye set on doing my CFY in Honolulu. I’ve searched for positions, and already found a placement offered for a CFY in adult rehabilitation services. I’ve casually looked into apartment availability, and fantasized about how I would spend my free time, what scenic runs I could take, learning to surf, meeting new people and making new friends.

In less than a month I will be finishing my first semester of clinic, but I still have four more left to go. This past week I’ve been practicing living in the moment.

And wow…how liberating it has been! Where will I be in a year and a half? Who cares! I’m in Austin now! What will I be doing? We’ll find out when I get there, but relax and don’t worry about it until it gets closer. Whom will I be dating, if anyone? Only time will tell. Whom will I be friends with? Let my current friendships evolve as they will, and open myself to cultivate new ones. It’s amazing. I feel so free, so energetic, and so happy.

My heart is lighter. Every day, I now focus on my running, my projects for class, my lesson plans, my sessions, and my clients’ progress, my current friendships and relationships. I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I have faith.

When I first started therapy, I over-planned. I would script out exactly what I wanted to say at each moment of the session. But it wasn’t working….sessions rarely go exactly as outlined in the lesson plan, and I’ve started to learn to provide myself with a basic goal, and then just kind of going with the flow. Sessions are dynamic by nature, and I’ve been learning to respond accordingly. It’s all about the art of flexibility, and knowing that you can find a way to deal with whatever comes your way.

And now I’m generalizing that lesson to other areas. I’m learning that I can let go of over-planning my life, eliminating unnecessary stress by allowing myself to focus only on what’s important right now, and enjoying the ride. I’m learning to relax about things not only when I schedule time for myself to decompress, but all of the time.

And it is so amazing. :-)